I live in NY, where you‘re not allowed to even touch a pistol without a permit. I spent the better part of the last year applying for it to be denied a month ago for “failing to disclose prior mental health treatment“. I can’t reapply for 5 years and so far my appeal for a hearing has been unanswered for a month so far.

My mental history most closely resembles depression and anxiety. I was once placed on medication for it, though it didn’t last very long before a trip to the hospital scared me off of them (ideation got horrible). From there I’ve seen a therapist or two more recently to help with some maladaptive coping mechanisms and just someone to talk to. For the purposes of insurance, I was diagnosed with anxiety. I’m doing quite well at the moment, thankfully, despite every reason to fall back into depression. (Recent breakup. Graduated college but the job search is stressful. Bummed out by the permit denial.)

I don’t know what they’re going to tell me in this hearing, but I get the sensation that they’re going to tell me to F myself because they think I lied to them or that my past makes me unable to have the responsibility of a permit.

It is situations like this that are the reason I don’t tell anyone about my past with mental health. I hardly see it as significant beyond being an angst-filled teen. Either way, the stigma behind admitting that I didn’t always have it together makes me never want to admit I was anything but perfectly healthy.

Thanks for taking the time to read this text wall. It is nice to feel encouraged to tell my tale than to bottle it.

It’s okay if you can’t help me, I’m rather relegated to my fate and I’m not sure you could even help in this ridiculous state.